Some Stories Making the Headlines...
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
Jerry Seinfeld
Britney Finally Passes Rolling Stones Audition
After months of strenuous training and dedication to debauched over-excess, troubled pop star Britney Spears has at last been accepted as a backing singer for legendary hell-raisers the Rolling Stones.
London Now 2nd Most Dangerous Place in Britain, After Midsomer
The spate of recent knife attacks in London - which culminated in the murders of three people on New Year’s Eve – has elevated the capital to second in a league table of the most dangerous places in Britain, Home Office figures revealed today.
Rugby World Cup Breeds New Style of Yobbo
Police are bracing themselves for a big shift in public order offences over the next few weeks, as the Rugby World Cup hots up.
Facebook Profiles to Replace CVs by 2010
London -- In its continuing bid to become more relevant to young people, the Government announced controversial new recruitment measures today.
Devil Walks the Earth in the Form of Sharon Osborne
Blind panic swept the British light entertainment circuit yesterday, when it emerged that bouffant-haired harpy Sharon Osborne is, quite literally, the devil made flesh.
Dirk Benedict in Tenuous Escape from Big Brother House
TV star and ladies man Dirk Benedict was sensationally liberated from the Big Brother house last night after fashioning an escape vehicle from the everyday detritus he found lying around.
Des Quits Telly to "Spend More Time with the Ladies"
While speculation continues as to who will replace Desmond Lynam when he quits the Countdown hot seat later this year, the smooth-talking presenter today revealed his reasons for leaving the show.
Iraq Hostage Kember Re-kidnapped by The Sun
Barely a week after returning home following his kidnap ordeal in Iraq, God-squadding, peace-loving pensioner Norman Kember has been plucked from the streets again.
Gay Community Outraged by Controversial Cartoon
An angry mob gathered outside Television Centre yesterday to protest at the one-dimensional portrayal of gays and lesbians in mainstream television animation.
Blair Declares Monopoly Win "A Victory for Britain"
Prime Minister Tony Blair emerged victorious from a marathon, all-night game of Monopoly with his Cabinet and immediately dedicated his success to the people of Britain.
God Comes Clean on 7th Commandment Prank
Over three millennia after He decreed to Moses the rules by which all mankind should live, God finally confessed yesterday that one of the Ten Commandments was "a colossal wind-up."
After years in the celebrity wilderness, we can exclusively reveal that smug, bouffant-haired has-been Noel Edmonds is still a complete twat.
Soccer Star Shearer in Monogamy Shame
He plays for the Premiership's number one party club, but today we can exclusively reveal that Newcastle United captain Alan Shearer is a sissy homebody who can no longer command respect in the team dressing room.
African Dignitary Nervous About Visit to Highgrove
Victor Mbatugu, leader of the Watai clan, a remote tribespeople located in the forests of Northern Congo, expressed trepidation yesterday over his upcoming trip to England to stay with Prince Charles.
Gossip Rife at Water Cooler Manufacturer
Filtr8, a leading producer of office water purification and filtration units, is a veritable hotbed of rumour-mongering and tittle-tattle, workers breathlessly revealed yesterday.
Report Reveals All Poetry Is Rubbish
It was once a byword for romance and sophistication - the literary form of choice for tentative suitors and genteel fops alike, but new research published today has revealed that poetry is, as many had feared, "pretentious, cumbersome and utterly without merit."
* Isn't that just blinking typical? You write a ridiculous spoof news article in good faith, and those crazy Mancunian has-beens call your bluff. Take That actually are getting back together which, to my mind, is ever so slightly eerie - portly thirty-five year olds squeezing into their white vests and doing all that gyrating and leaping about - That Gary Barlow wants to be careful - he'll do himself a mischief. It's a shame really - I quite liked the image of Howard Donald as a KwikFit Fitter. Next thing you know Noel Edmonds will be making a highly successful TV comeback. Oh. Still a twat though. I stand by that.
