Google me Ragged! Amateur Scribe in Porno Search Shocker!
Seeing as I never get any feedback on the site through my lovingly prepared feedback form – apart, of course, from psycho Noel Edmonds fans (“You’re the twat, pal” read one of the kinder extracts) and a woman in Dubai who thought I actually was Michael Atherton – I thought I’d do some research of my own.
If there’s one thing more Narcissistic than Googling one’s own name* then it’s setting up a Google Analytics account to monitor all the traffic coming into one’s website. So, needless to say, that’s exactly what I did.
And, superficially, it’s ace. Lots of pretty graphs and stats – there’s even a map of the world with the location of all your visitors (6 hits from Hungary, 3 from Lebanon – even one from Myanmar). But if you look closely enough, there is a stark and depressing truth: Most of my punters are perverts.
While I coo and gloat as my hit counter soars up to and beyond the 30,000 mark, it’s worth pointing out that the large majority of visitors stumble upon Amateur Scribe purely by accident. My loyal returning guests account for a piddling 14% of traffic, with the rest made up of wandering cyberspace nomads, most of whom are clearly after something a little more sexually gratifying than some drawn-out whimsy involving the Test Match Special team.
Digging a little deeper into the stats can make a fragile ego shatter as it becomes evident that the 30 people who clicked through search engines on to my “Hot Tub Ranking” critique, all, to a man, exited straight away. That page has a 100% “Entrance Bounce Rate”, my friends. Not one of those smutty-minded individuals decided to stick around and enjoy some more gentle satire – my records show that all 30 grimly hit the “Back” button and went back to searching for “ladies in bikinis jiggling around” or “young women” + “comparing knickers”
For once, I fear, cheerful innuendo has been my downfall. I must now reflect in the chilling knowledge that most of my visitors have arrived at my doorstep by dint of tapping “Sue Barker cleavage” into Google as opposed to being lured in with the promise of superior comic bagatelles and spoof news.
Half-naked folk in a hot tub - what more do you want?
Google Analytics only deals in fact – not speculation. But behind each recorded hit, there is surely a compelling backstory. So sit back as I reveal some of the sordid searches that have landed surfers at this very website.
I promise you, these are ALL genuine (if you don’t believe me, click on the relevant page link and try to find the offending (or should that be offensive?) phrase:
| Search Term | What the Pervert was looking for | Where they ended up | Notes |
| judy finnigan cleavage | Vodka-drenched sluts on HRT | Sweet Jesus! There are some oddballs out there. Though I can completely understand the desire to cuckold Richard Madely. Might be easier (and less mentally scarring) simply to punch him in the face. Or shoot him in the nuts with a sawn-off. | |
| female gurning photos | The cast of Bad Girls? | Could be anywhere. I like the word “gurning”. | I’ve heard about this unusual fetish. Only ladies with faces like bags of spanners need apply. |
| makosi sex video | Desperate, semi-famous asylum seeker gets pounded at customs. Paris Hilton, only more accommodating and grateful | Plug that search into Google and get confronted with dull account of reality TV. That’s going to kill the moment a bit, isn’t it? Put down the KY and read some satire, mate. | |
| makosi hot tub | The soft core option - probably only looking for gentle footage of the generously-breasted Zimbabwean whacking off her Geordie housemate on national TV | Makosi’s 15 minutes of fame were up last time I looked, but she’s still packing them in at the search engines. At least I provided some reasonably salacious imagery. | |
| nipple hardener | Could be a genuine medical problem this – the curse of soft, doughy nipples | Probably some poor lady with a new cashmere sweater who wants to make an alluring impression in cold weather. Want to firm up those soft, doughy nipples? Why not read a Money Programme CC match report – guaranteed to perk up the hooters | |
| girls in jodhpurs | A reasonably harmless request – probably some spotty, urban adolescent dreaming of firm-thighed lovelies rolling around in bales of hay | Can’t be too critical of this –– in fact I might pop that one into Google myself later. | |
| dominatrix busty essex | Probably some stag organiser in Romford firming up the details for his mate’s thrash | "Local, accommodating lass with generous milky pillows required – must have own whip". I’m not sure Romford wide-boys are typical visitors to the site – but we don’t discriminate here | |
| alicia duvall home video | Well she’s hardly going to be sitting on her sofa in a cardy watching telly, is she? I’m sure she’s not shy with the old hand-held, a bottle of Cava and a footballer or two | Some mistake surely? Of all the women on the web, someone’s fantasy figure is an old orange boiler with a cheap tit job and a nose the size of Bournemouth. There’s no accounting for taste. | |
| noel edmonds twat | A perfectly understandable search in my opinion – hopefully someone who wants to burn down his house | Or maybe a slightly odd woman looking for some fashionable hairstyles for her lady garden. “We do all kinds of merkins here, madam – what would you like?” “I’d really love it if you shaved my muff into the shape of Noel Edmonds’ beard.” “No problem. Bushy circa-70s Saturday morning telly or more sombre Deal or No Deal?” | |
| sue barker tennis knickers | Either a furtive search for a soft-core nostalgia site, or a genuine attempt to find a professionally affiliated ladies’ sportswear product | Who? I mean WHO?? Presumably the same sort pathetically unambitious smut-seeker who used to beat off over that Athena poster of the woman tennis player scratching her arse | |
| "virginia wade" + knickers | More credence for the ladies’ sportswear theory. | Surely not even the sickest perv wants to see England’s last Wimbledon champ in nowt but her smalls. Two ladies desperate for info on tennis shreddies visiting little old me. My cup floweth over | |
| big female nipples | I like the firm inclusion of the word “female” here. This bloke doesn’t want his search results littered with big hairy freaks with man-boobs like digestive biscuits | No idea. There are nipples all over the site | Could be the start of a disturbing slide into fetishism. Sure, we all start off with a little harmless nipple search, but it’s not long before we’re poring over “Stable Studs 17” with a box of Kleenex, a wipe-clean picture of Red Rum and a well-thumbed biography of Catherine the Great |
| sex sue barker | A frightening juxtaposition, and one Ally McCoist surely has nightmares about | There’s no doubt about it, this grubby little scrote wants hard-core Barker pics and wants them now. We don’t want your sort here, Sonny Jim. If you were searching for “Sue Barker flamethrower” or “Sue Barker – suffers hideous mutilation”, then, by all means, come on in. | |
| martine mccutcheon tits | Tops-off cockney barrow girl action | Honest, does-what-it-says-on-the-tin search, this one. You won’t find too many incongruous results here. Apart from my website | |
| "knickerless jordan" | With all the depravity available on the net, it’s amazing the amount of people who are only interested in checking out blurred paparazzi shots of ubiquitous celebrity under-carriages | Searches like this, incidentally, are the lifeblood of The Spoof – the clever writers there have realised that a page with the term “Britney Spears’ vagina” on it is going to attract a lot of this type of traffic. My stubborn persistence in writing stories about Morissey and “Big” Ron Atkinson mean I don’t get quite so many hits. Check out the “Most Viewed” stories and you’ll see what I mean. | |
| gay cartoon network uk | Worryingly specific search criteria. Don’t think CBeebies have ever screened what this Whoopsie is after | One of the most popular pages on the site. Sadly, I don’t think it’s a result of the pithy observational comedy – more the title of the page** | |
| joe pasquale wears a cap | Eh?? And I’ll say it again: Eh??? | OK, so this one’s not a smut search. I can only think this was the result of an absurd, drunken bet just before kicking out time. “That Pashquale, hic, cap or tifter?” Unless they’re referring to a cap of the Dutch variety – but that would be too horrible to comprehend | |
| dogging in Newcastle | The wife’s away, I’ve got a full tank in my Vauxhaull Corsa and a hard-on that won’t quit. I need sordid accounts of swinging Geordies, and I need them now | Just what I need – a made up news story about a dull retired footballer. Down boy |
* My real name is so heartbreakingly banal, that Googling it simply isn’t an option, so I’m forced to use “AmateurScribe” to find out what people are saying about me. Like most internet writers, I’ve found links to a few of my stories posted in forums and chatrooms (at which point I get pathetically over-excited), but recently, my hits have been mingled with those of an interloper. Yes, there is now ANOTHER “amateurscribe” touting his (or her) wares. I was initially appalled, but a quick check revealed my namesake writes in a rather different genre on an excellent site called “Literotica”.
I wonder what weird and wonderful searches he’d get on Google Analytics…
** A whopping 119 random punters entered Amateur Scribe through the “Gay Cartoon” page in the last two months alone – largely thanks to the number of search directories that reference the page. Strangely, over thirty stayed and had a good old nose around the rest of the site - so I’m eternally grateful to the gay cyber community. And that’s not a sentence I ever thought I’d write…
